Everytime i sit down at my drawing board i feel a mixture of confidence and terror. I'm sure that this is what performers feel as they walk out on stage..sure , i'm not Lady Gaga or Sting facing 22,000 screaming fans at Madison Square Garden, but it's probably close to that.
You know that you are good at what you do and you trust your ability but each new piece, each new caricature, each new design takes courage to put down on paper.
I see them before they exist..no not like the Sixth Sense, I don't see "not drawn people" but close to it..these designs, characters are formed in my mind and my hand struggles to bring them to life , with each nuance and contour..which can cause extreme frustration when my hand refuses to cooperate..like a bad child on a playdate..sometimes my brain and hand work as one..and when that happens it's sweeter than anything i can describe, it's sublime..but when they don't compliment each other . no amount of trying or working can make it happen..it's like sexual chemistry..either you feel it or you don't.
There have been a lot of instances when i've been about to start a mural in someones' home that this feeling of excitement and terror hits me..no matter how good i feel about the project, no matter how much research i've done or countless times i've painted the design, each time is the first time. you stand in front of this clean , blank wall and think (not a good idea right before you try to be creative) "What if i mess this up? What if this time i can't do it? Of course i can do it, they hired me to do it..i can draw anything ,..i"ve done 400 murals..what's wrong with me? why did i think i could draw a horse on a trampoline..or a chicken in a ballet costume or a bunch of cats fishing?" and just as i'm about to start , the client comes in and says "Do you mind if i sit and watch while you work?" "No, i say (as i'm screaming inside) i love when people keep me company"..and i start to paint.
I try to remember those days when i'm ready to begin something new..that you summon the courage and the talent and the sense of yourself and you go out there in front of 22,000 screaming fans and sing your heart out, and you do it to prove that you're brave enough to do it again and again. Even when you fail, you win, cause you get to do what you love.
I appreciate your honesty and sharing this feeling. I certainly understand the self-doubt and questioning, especially when it comes to wall murals. It's not possible to simply ball up the wall and throw it in the trashcan.
ReplyDeleteI do want to tell you, though, that I am really impressed with your talent and courage. There are so many images I have created in my head, and desperately wanted to make a reality. I am, however, a very untalented artist. My hand and brain have a TERRIBLE working relationship, and no chemistry at all. You are very lucky! <3
Great post!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and oh so true about the questioning your own abilities every time, even though you know in your head you can do it. Stage fright every time!
ReplyDeleteisn't it amazing how many times you get it right, all you remember is the one time you didn't?
ReplyDeletethanx for your comments..love that you share these feelings with me..