Friday, January 20, 2012

Letting Go

Whoa! I've been so insanely busy that I didn't realize how long it's been between posts..which surprises me cause I enjoy writing this blog so much.
Somehow, daily living (oh you know what i'm talking about!) and the holiday season , which began for me in the middle of October and an obivious problem i have with time management got in the way.
For some reason, i've been thinking a lot about my single working girl(not THAT kind of working girl, stop it!) days in New York City and how looking back it seems like a different lifetime.
I thought i was sooo cool..living in my studio apartment on the upper East Side..i shared it with a on again off again leak in my closet from the lady upstairs who would fall asleep in her bathtub, and roaches with a New York attitude,some so large and hostile that they wore gang colors and leather jackets. But i loved it..my first apartment, on my own.
My now best friend of 35 plus years lived across the hall, and we quickly learned that we shared a love of eating , going dancing and splitting a frozen Sara Lee cheesecake for dinner the night before payday.
That was my first "studio", my first workspace, where i did freelance art and fashion illustrations, and started feeling like a "real" artist..i was suffering, wasn't I? Staying up late at night at discos, getting a few hours sleep,going to work, living on coffee ( and frozen cheesecake), spending what little money i had on platform shoes and clothes and going to concerts. On my own, learning to be responsible for myself, learning how to be alive.
I think that this is all coming back to me cause my youngest son, Ben, is moving across the country to California to pursue his dreams, and I am beginning to realize why my mother stood in the doorway of our house in Staten Island, crying as my dad put the last of my boxes in the car. So hard for her to let go of me..The end of being someone's child, the beginning of being their adult. Ben has been a man for quite awhile.He became one at 16, the night my husband died. But he's ready to start a life based on what he sees as his future , and i'm very proud that i raised him to not be afraid to try , to dare , or live with regret of things left undone.
And I have to admit that i'm sort of jealous..to have this tremendous. beautiful open road ahead of him,to weave it into anything he desires, and claim it as his own.
After a few weeks of being melancholy about not seeing him all of the time, i've started to realize that i have all of those unique opportunities in front of me as well..every day there is a new chance to dare to do something you've always wanted to do, to learn, to try..a new language, a new technique for my art, a new attitude toward embracing life.
And I'm starting to feel like that 25 year old girl again..excited and a little unsure..for me and for Ben, but it sure feels good...just like i remember it.

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