creative habitat

when i was little i wanted to be a ballet dancer, but i was too short. and i wanted to be like those skinny , tall girls in the fashion mags with the long , straight hair, and the intense russian wolfhound faces, but i had crazy, wild curly hair (which wasn't cool then) and i looked more like a friendly beagle puppy, and ..i was too short. and then i got accepted into art school and i wore long ,black eyelashes and a big black beret, and carried a black portfolio and the business men reading their newspapers on the way to work on the train, tried desperately not to look at me..cause my maxi coat was so long and i was so short.
as i write this, i'm sitting in my studio ,and thinking about how lucky i've been to make my living as an artist. it's never been much of a living, but i've always worked in my field and i know that's a priviledge. i've had some strange jobs, and some great ones, but every time i pick up a pencil, i have a rush of joy! to "see" something in my head, in its finished form and chase it from my brain to my hand, thrills me beyond words..and when that design is captured just the way i want it on the page, it amazes me ..always. today, someone bought one of my prints and it was the most extraordinary feeling..the idea that something i created moved them to a point of wanting it to be a part of their life blows my mind..it makes me feel like i'm real..because as each of you that create understand..no matter how good it is, no matter how much we love that finished piece, we never believe that it's good enough, or that the next sale is coming..so tonite i will allow myself to feel like a professional and tell myself that i am good at what i do, and i will believe in my creativity..until the next time that i feel short.

you want fries with that?

so, we're in bed the other night watching the food network. now this is very dangerous...not the laying in bed part, coz it's either exciting or restful, depending on the day of the week, our general mood and the variables(like the weather, aches and pains , if i feel skinny that night,and what's on tv)..no, the danger comes from the show all being about food..even if the show is "iron chef" and the secret ingredient is boiled octopus, i guarantee you will crave boiled octopus . the photography, and camera work making every dish glisten like a pearl in the sun..the announcer rattling off the ingredients, as i make a mental note to buy fennel and use more sage and try to smash garlic cloves with the side of my enormous knife ( i did this only once and not only lost the clove of garlic, which has never been found but almost had to take myself to the hospital..enuff said) ..we laid there in a food induced coma watching "unwrapped", which was all about fried foods (OMG!!) french fries, onion rings, the batter they fry them in., and how they make flavored chips....and paul turns to me and says (at 9:30 pm) "you know, we have some potatoes downstairs..it wouldn't be that hard to whip up some fries.." and i'm thinking "yeah! let's go!" and we start to get up, but then the next show is "the best thing i ever ate with bacon"(BACON!!!!) where the foodie chefs tell about a gastronomical experience that was extraordinary..and all at once we're watching the best bacon cheesburgers and bacon .lettuce and tomato and bacon donuts (i'm serious) and i'm up and getting my sneakers on coz now (10:30 pm) i have a bacon, cheeseburger, french fries, onion ring jones that's off the charts..and i don't care how many tums or pepcid it will take to get me to sleep or if i'll sleep at all..i just know i need grease and salt fast!! and as i'm driving back with that weird but intoxicating smell of burgers and fries and paper bag stinking up the car, i'm wondering if maybe we should only watch the food network in the family room, sitting up , on the couch, early in the evening...coz it seems that the real excitement in the bedroom lately has been figuring out where to go on these late night food runs.