chachachachaCHANGES...

here i am..in limbo.

for the last two months, as my oldest son's wedding approached, everything was put on hold til"after the wedding". it was great to push all the annoying daily life things aside..bills(LOL!), appointments, murals, extra work. my brain felt so full, i almost wished i could empty it like the cache file on the computer. by the way, have you ever noticed you remember the lyrics to almost every song you've ever heard? it's all just stuck there. ready to be retrieved as soon as you hear those first few notes..but what about the songs you don't like that much? you can't just empty your brain of medium liked lyrics or trivia about sea turtles or lindsay lohan..anyway, back to the point.

i was already dealing with a pinched nerve in my back and hoping i'd be well enough to dance at the wedding, when we suddenly had to make a place in our home for my 92 year old father. he was living in florida , alone ,and just couldn't do it anymore. so we turned my studio into his bedroom and began the process of learning how to live with a very proud, stubborn man who had lived on his terms and now had lost all control over his life and choices. now we were four weeks away from the wedding and trying to make plans to include my dad , which made us very happy, but made him very unhappy. two hour drive to the jersey shore? nope, he didn't wanna do it! rehearsel dinner after the church? nope, he wasn't gonna do it! wedding and reception in 93 degrees? nope he was never gonna do it! it took us a while but we realized that we had a 4 year old toddler on our hands and started to think of interesting ways to get him to agree..we used a little guilt "josh and paula would be crushed if you weren't there", reward "you get your own room at the hotel and if you meet a hot woman , you can bring her to your room". and reverse physchology" we won't make you do anything that you don't want to"..i never had to resort to the last choice which was.."listen old man. my kid is getting married and you're going , so man up and get your boney butt in the car"

we started the process of helping him adjust to our home,get our clothes and shoes and making centerpieces and placecards ( oh yeah,,didn't i tell you?) and then, i lost my job.

it's funny how much you learn about yourself when everything seems to fall apart and you feel like you have no way to stop the free fall that you find yourself in. i learned that i could manage, i could survive, and that the man that i live with, paul, is the one true constant in my life. he is calm when i'm screaming and weeping. he is wise when i think there are no solutions to the latest crisis, he makes me laugh when i'm scared to death..and helps me thru the firestorm.


so i sit here watching my oldest son put a ring on the hand of this incredible girl he's chosen to spend his life with, and i dance with him to "your mother should know" at the reception, getting a stiff neck as i try to look up at him, this beautiful man that i carried in my arms 28 years ago, and i watch my younger son, his best man, speak of him with humor and eloquence and so much love, and i think of my late husband , so sad that he can't share this unspeakable joy , and paul sits at my side, and i'm so happy that i can share this moment with someone that i adore who loves me..and for the first time that i can remember in my life, i am totally in the moment, and it's exquisite, better than a dream, better than anything you can imagine. my son got married, and i didn't cry. i was too happy.